• Given To
• Teacher
• Domestic violence begins at 4
• The People Who Care
• God Smiling at Me
• TV Kills
• Study: Ritalin linked to stunted growth
• Pushing Kids Hard in Sports

Given To

I never feel more given to
than when you take from me –
when you understand the joy I feel
giving to you.

And you know my giving isn’t done
to put you in my debt,
but because I want to live the love
I feel for you.

To receive with grace
may be the greatest giving.
There’s no way I can separate
the two.

When you give to me,
I give you my receiving.
When you take from me, I feel so
given to.

-Song “Given To” (1978) by Ruth Bebermeyer
from the album, Given To.

Teacher

Wonder and Mystery,
We’ve explored them
Together.

Compassion and Touch,
We’ve witnessed their
Healing.

Movement and Stillpoint,
We’ve met in their
Peace.

Connection and Love,
We embrace them
Forever.

For my teacher Christine Felker, as she departs our county on the next part of her life journey, to Maine. June 13, 2005.

Domestic violence begins at 4

Excerpt from THE LIES THAT BIND: THE PERMANENCE OF CHILD ABUSE,
Heyward Ewart, III, Ph.D.
http://hometown.aol.com/ewartcme/myhomepagebusiness.html

“Domestic violence begins at 4.” Those were the opening words of my continuing education address at a major medical center in Jacksonville, Florida. The doctors and nurses, though silent, were indeed puzzled as I scanned their faces.  Because every child blames herself for the abuse or neglect she has suffered, the “my fault” message, deeply internalized, navigates the individual throughout life. Abuse, once begun, takes on a life of its own and finds people and occasions throughout life to multiply itself.

The abused little girl becomes the abused adolescent, who becomes an abused adult. Just as water seeks its own level, so an abused person seeks relationships and a lifestyle that are no better than what she believes she deserves.

Abusive men seem to have an uncanny intuition in being able to identify a girl or woman they can victimize. They can spot her a block away. Once they have their claws into her, they never let go. Even when a domestic violence victim gathers enough strength and support in a shelter to leave her present captor, she is not rid of him, because he follows, he stalks, and he torments from a distance in any way he can.

The Mennonite Domestic Violence Task Force (1996) has assembled 16 traits of an abuser that my own patients have studied in amazement. They are incredulous at the fact that their own tormentor fits this description so closely. Items 17 on are derived from my own observations through treating abused women.

1.  He is jealous and tries to “own” his partner.
2. He blames others for his faults.
3. He blames circumstances for his difficulties.
4. He demonstrates unpredictable behavior.
5. He belittles his partner verbally and tries to convince her she’s crazy.
6. He cannot control his anger.
7. He always asks for another chance.
8. He promises and swears to change.
9. He may have been abused as a child or witnessed his father bully his mother.
10. He plays on his partner’s guilt. ("If only you loved me, you would…")
11. His behavior often worsens when he uses alcohol or drugs.
12. He is closed-minded. His way is the only way.
13. He may seem charming and gentle to non-family members and the outside world.
14. He dislikes women, believes that a “woman’s place is in the home,” and that men have a right to possess women.
15. He may abuse his (or her) children by insult, intimidation, yelling, threatening, or actual violence.
16. He either refuses treatment, saying “You’re the problem,” or accepts treatment but plays games with the therapist.
17. He expects his partner to pay her own way financially.
18. He does not believe his partner when he asks where she’s been.
19. He forces her into sex and other behaviors that she does not want.
20. He acts as though all income is his.
21. He threatens suicide if she tries to leave or threatens to kill her.
22. He prevents her from making friends and/or engaging with her family.
23. He belittles her achievements and sabotages her accomplishments by insult.
24. He convinces her that he is doing her a favor by keeping her.
25. He either threatens violence or carries it out or both.
26. He forbids her to make decisions on her own.
27. He repeatedly hammers away at her incompetence.
28. He belittles her friends and/or family.
29. He is unpredictable and undependable as a provider, often putting all responsibility for income on his partner.
30. He continues to stalk, harass, threaten, and frighten her in cunning ways, even when an injunction for protection has been issued.

The People Who Care

The Ones who care

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the “Peanuts” comic strip.  You don’t have to actually answer the questions.  Just read it straight through, and you’ll get the point. 

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do? The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies.  Awards tarnish.  Achievements are forgotten.  Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners. 

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Now THAT was a little Easier?

The lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones who care.

God Smiling at Me

I’ve found a place
where I can be free.
I’ve found a whole new beginning
just made for me.

I know only peace
and I never feel pain.
Days are full of sunshine
and never the rain.

I’m no longer old,
I’ve recovered my youth,
And all of my dreams
have become the truth.

I can smile. I can laugh.
I can walk. I can run.
I can hear every whisper.
I can see past the sun.

My body is whole
and my mind is clear.
I know all the answers
and I’m free of all fear.

I know why you mourn me,
I see how you weep.
Your heart’s full of aching
from a love that is deep.

And I’m grateful for loved ones
who hold me so dear,
But remember,
I’ve found a better place here.

I will be there beside you
always nearby,
So don’t mourn me too long,
nor forever cry.

And whenever your sorrow
bears down on your heart,
Think not of my ending,
but of my new start.

For on earth there’s no joy
that I’d ever see,
To compare to the joy
of God smiling at me.

--Author unknown

TV Kills

From Adam Curry [ http://www.blognewsnetwork.com/members/0000001/2004/04/06.html#a5496 ]:

I remember as a kid the stories that circulated around television usage. Of course the kid next door was doing poorly at school, his brain was rotting away because he watched too much tv! I think I recall another one about it causing cancer, which was probably too big a concept for me in 1970, when I was a wee lad of 6 years.

The stories are back, only this time a bit more plausable: “TV can cause the developing mind to experience unnatural levels of stimulation.”

The BBC health watch has more on the study.

Don’t forget going blind from sitting too close to the TV....  Indeed, any activity we engage in heavily affects the mind. Meditate for 20 minutes twice a day and your mind will be different even a year later, regardless of age. Those who garden and fish will have different neurological tendencies than those who passively watch TV. With TV we are watching events unfold. There is a stimulation that is inherently non-creative. The creation was done for us. We “entrain” with the creativity of others in order to be entertained. This is done in a way that stimulates attention, yet it also gets us used to the idea that dramatic events and “scene changes” will occur regularly. Contrast that with life in general and the classroom in particular. It just isn’t stiumlating in the same way!

An interesting question for me is the issue of retention for things learned on TV. Our kids do a lot of learning through the computer, participating in classes through Stanford’s EPGY and http://www.k12.com. Retention there seems to be strong. However, for “educational” shows on TV, and certainly for retention of what happened in shows and movies, the level of retention is not there. The lack of interactivity and engagement reduces the effectiveness of television as a learning tool. One thing that may help is if we have specific goals around a show or TV seminar. For example, I am taking DVD learning on EFT. There is an open-book test that goes along with it for certification. The combination of TV-based learning with a specific outcome of knowledge does help make it more effective and retained (for me).

Study: Ritalin linked to stunted growth

New research bolsters evidence that stimulants like Ritalin used for attention deficit problems may stunt children’s growth, but it does not address whether the effect is permanent.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4668038/

It’s a tragedy that so many of our young children are being drugged with powerful stimulants without first trying healthier alternatives. For example, exercise. One 12-year-old client is in “health” right now and gets no exercise during the school day. The sedentary style of virtually all classrooms today is enough to leave any person feeling fidgety. How many parents would find it difficult to sit in a desk all day long, often listening to unenergizing lectures? ADD and ADHD are now being diagnosed for kids that are simply frustrated and angry that they are wasting their lives. Worse, in my opinion, is that schools who keep the kids for most of the day now expect even elementary-age kids to do significant homework, further reducing the time they spend in free, creative expression in playtime.

I know ADD and ADHD are complicated issues. The drugs do help many children to be successful in school. Yet, we ignore both the exercise aspect as well as the need to train each of our nervous systems to focus in a relaxed manner through age-old practices such as meditation, mindfulness, yoga, tai chi, the martial arts, and massage. Instead we work, work, work the cognitive brain. We cram it chock full of facts without providing a balance. No wonder so many kids need Ritalin, a stimulant!, to burn off the excess energy they have so they can sit passively and Be a Good Boy.