How to Make a Woman Happy

How to Make a Woman Happy      

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

How to Make a Man Happy

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer

(...and for some of us, #2 is optional)

Without you we are but dust

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

Perfect Daughter

The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long  
and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our  
beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later, 
in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in  
his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter  
something truly poetic. Instead he asked, “What’d we decide  
to call her again?”

I have to sleep in Daddy’s room

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was  
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the  
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will  
you sleep with me tonight?” 

The mother smiled. “I can’t dear,” she said. ‘I have to sleep  
in Daddy’s room.” 

The little boy replied with a shaking voice, “The big sissy.”

I never want to live in a vegetative state

My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to  
her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative  
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. 
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” 

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer! 

Authentic Irish Toast

A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The  
man raises his glass and says, “Here’s hoping you’re in  
Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you’re dead!” 

“What’s that mean?” asks the girl. 

“That,” answers her date, “is an authentic Irish toast.” 

“Oh. Well, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.” 

“Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What’s that?” 

The girl says, “That’s French toast.” 

Who You Are

I know of your anger
Yet I will not participate
Your tears I can share
But do not commiserate

I know the darkness of fear
Is only the absent of light
I know it’s your soul, not your eyes
That brings you true sight

I know in times of despair
It seems I am so very far
But I am not, I am with you
I just know “Who You Are”

-John Alexander